I thought I’d write a blog, to say in my own words why I am pissed off right now without it being sandwiched between some derogatory prose that just turns my life into a joke.

People make choices, decisions. Some are better thought out than others. Ten years ago I set the wheels in motion that lead me to where I am now. I’d like at this point for you to imagine what you were doing ten years ago. Chances are, you were probably a dick ten years ago. I know I was. Ten years ago I was at University studying some bullshit degree. I had just been diagnosed with ADHD, would regularly go out wearing bathing suit bottoms as hot pants, and I thought I was ugly. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I was lost. [To add some background perspective: Ten years ago the internet was pretty basic. Social media as we know it was yet to be invented (unless you count Friendster, whatever the fuck that was.) Mark Zuckerberg aka ‘the greasy seal’ hadn’t been birthed in Antarctica yet, Pamela Anderson was still relevant, and Britney Spears didn’t have dead stripper eyes.]

I wasn’t to know when I set out on my path what the end result would be. I didn’t have a plan and I didn’t know what I was doing. Back then modelling seemed like a cool idea seeing as THEN you could be a model then quietly disappear into the murky mist of real life like nothing had ever happened. Now you can’t. Now you have to live with every shitty decision you ever made being broadcast on Google ready for every potential employer to see and dismiss you over, then live with the fact that your whole family - not to mention people you don’t know and have never met - know what you look like naked. To be honest I’m less bothered about the latter. Those were my bad decisions and my cross to bear. I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I chose to do what I did.

People change though. What is great when you’re 18 or 19 isn’t so great when you are 30 years old and trapped in a cycle you want to get out of but can’t; stuck in an undervalued job that has robbed you of a career where you have to pretend like your life is crazy and exciting when it isn’t. My life isn’t a joke. It’s not a punchline. For too long I’ve shared so much of it and now… now I just don’t want to. I don’t care enough. I want my life to be mine, something to be shared with the people I care about and no-one else. It’s no coincidence that the best friends I ever had were all made before social media was invented.

Truth is, I am boring. I LIKE being boring. I think I am happiest now with myself than I have ever been because I’m not pretending to be something or someone that I’m not. I’m not under any illusions. I’m not famous and I don’t want to be (I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be). All I ever wanted was to do well, work hard, have fun, succeed… maybe make some money while I was at it. Now that it’s looking like that won’t happen - I just want to disappear, to live my boring life in peace.

Staring into the chasm of irrelevance is trying at the best of times. The last thing I need is more Google clutter bullshit kicking me when I’m down.