As I sit here with my feet up on the sofa, wrapped up in a duvet eating a chocolate ice cream at 8am, I thought I would share my insights with you on the third trimester. In all honesty I’m shocked that I have made it this far… even though it IS kind of inevitable. As you can tell I’m a still a n00b at how all this pregnancy nonsense works so bear with me…
Fuck it, here’s a list.
1. Say Goodbye to Your Vadge.
I haven’t seen my vadge in about 2 or 3 months. The vadge situation has gotten to the point now where I can’t even see it in a mirror so god knows what is going on down there. I pretty much rely on my boyfriend for updates, at the moment he says it looks like Ed Sheeran and he has to clipper it so I can go swimming… so if you ever wondered what true love was, I think that is pretty much it. Rest assured I’ll be getting that bastard waxed in time for the birth though (my fanny, not the fella - he’s not a bastard). Is that TMI? Fuck it. This is important information.
2. You Better Work Bitch.
I worked up until 34 weeks and found that while being on my feet for 9 hour shifts every day wasn’t exactly ideal it did help me to stay healthy and active. Pregnancy itself isn’t an illness, especially if you are low risk, and you can still do an awful lot with a shopping bag full of baby strapped to your gunt. Until like, week 35, then you turn into an elderly person.
3. Get Ready to Chris Waddle.
So yeah week 35. That was the week when I hit a wall and became a space hopper. For others it could be different and it might come sooner or later, but there is always a week/moment where you stop and think ‘fuckkkk… I’m REALLY pregnant’ and become incapable of doing basically anything. Remember those simple pleasures you used to know and love like walking, sitting down, and rolling over in the middle of the night? Yeah they are all now impossible without sweating and groaning like an old person. To give an example I now walk like a 90-year-old, all arms out wide for balance, shuffling along in my flat (size 5. SIZE 5!! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?!) shoes as if I’m holding a oversized football between my legs. Rolling over in the night is akin to un-sinking the Titanic. I groan an inordinate amount for no reason and I have to be airlifted by heavy machinery when getting off the sofa, like those bed bound morbidly obese people you see on TV. Okay, okay… maybe I’m exaggerating, but having to be pushed by someone every time you want to get up is pretty embarrassing. I feel like a beetle. Thinking about it, it’s all very Kafka-esque.
4. Embrace the Bump
There is a small window of time where your bump is pretty fun. Think about it, you’ve been secretly waiting for this thing for months now, so you can look proper pregnant on the bus and that and wear all your new maternity clothes. I was so enamoured with the novelty of my bump that I didn’t spare a single opportunity to get it out at parties, as a kind of party trick. I’m sure everyone was sick of the sight of it, but to me it was hilarious. Look how WEIRD my body looks! LOLOLOL.
However, in the last month the bump gets unmanageable pretty quickly. It develops a mind of its own and moves independently of you and bangs into things and starts to really feel heavy and hurt. Swimming helps as it takes the weight off but I find myself feeling oddly anxious in busy swimming pools paranoid that somebody might dropkick me in the stomach by accident. So yeah, enjoy the fun part while it lasts! Pretty soon you’ll be glad to see the end of it. I literally cannot wait to be reunited with my vadge, for reals.
5. Maternity Clothes Are Shit
Yes, even the Topshop ones. In fact, maybe especially the Topshop ones. Maternity wear designers seem intent on turning every pregnant woman into a nautical-themed frumpy floral fishwife and I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s a conspiracy, but I have never dressed so mumsy in all my life and I am really rather bored of it. I think tomorrow I shall wear a balaclava and Brazilian bikini to Sainsbury’s in protest.
6. Stretch Armstrong
Every morning I awake terrified that in the night I may have acquired a few dreaded stretch marks. As yet they have been a no show but there’s still time and I live in fear. It seems to be a bit of a lottery as to whether you get them or not but I’ve found moisturising my bump with body butter every day and eating healthily have helped. Fingers crossed I’ll be lucky, but even if I do get them, I suppose a few battle scars are not that bad…
7. People Still Chat You Up
This is a weird one. Despite being heavily pregnant I found I still got chatted up a lot which is just strange. Apparently the fact that I am visibly stuffed with someone else’s child is not off-putting in the slightest to some men. Maybe it’s a fetish.
8. Gimme Some of that Unsexy Sex
Sex becomes… difficult. That’s not to say you can’t have it, just that it won’t be as wildly unpredictable and reckless as what you are used to. It does get a bit functional and unsexy, which I’m guessing is why some Dads-to-be run off with granny prostitutes, because you know, how SEXY are they!?! Hahaha. Knobs.
9. Nesting. WTF.
People bang on about nesting a lot, especially in all the ten million pregnancy emails you get every day for no reason. I’ve nested a bit but I’ve not gone psychotic about it. Obviously me and my fella have sorted the house out and bought a few bits, but the baby aisle in the supermarket still feels alien to me and I still don’t know how to change a nappy.
10. Sleep Is For The Weak.
Sleeping is hard. There is basically one position you can sleep in and if you try and deviate from it, a world of pain rains down on you for having the audacity to even try. I tried to power through it and held off on getting one of those weird pregnancy snake pillow things for ages as they freaked me out, but they are actually a bit of a lifesaver. One of my uber great and not-at-all-annoying pregnancy symptoms is that I get really twitchy feet in the night, so having one of them pillow things between my legs really helps my boyfriend not kill me. Also on the plus side they double up as some feeding thing afterwards so it’s £20 worth investing, (as long as you wash it first as mine smells a bit like minge).
11. Party Hard.
Baby showers are an American thing but having had mine the other day I have to say they are well worth doing, not for presents and materialistic reasons but for having a bit of a bonding session with the women in your family before the baby comes along. You’ll get tons of advice and have a laugh in the process so what’s not to love? Plus by this point you won’t have been on a night out for months so you’ll be catting to get out of the house and have a bit of fun, although don’t try to dance as I did and the vibrations made me knock over a bunch of football trophies on the other side of the room like I was Godzilla or some shit.
12. The Horrible Shop.
Baby shopping is usually pretty fun, but in order to pack your maternity bag you have to buy a bunch of stuff that no-one really talks about that I call ‘the horrible shop’. Things like giant bed pads and sanitary towels and paper knickers that you just look at and think EWW. I did it all in one go as it was not nice. Not nice at all. On the plus side, it’s all dead cheap and I can probably sell the results to a Japanese businessman.
This baby’s gotta come out and no matter how much reading and preparation and hypnobirthing you do, that fact is still going to fill you with fear. End of days is coming. It looms on the horizon like the apocalypse and I’m gonna have to channel Arnie like a motherfucker to get through it. Key word: POWER (said in my finest Austrian accent).
And that’s it! Only a few weeks to go and I can tell you all about the BIRTH (cue everyone running out of the room in disgust). Now isn’t that going to be GREAT.